Doing what you want, whenever you want without any regard to how others might feel.. My family always preached against following selfishness, however at every turn the “adults” in my world would never take a second to listen or regard me with respect as an equal. As a child this rung true every day. Things were expected out of everyone in our family, but did our esteemed elders ever understand the hypocrisy of their actions vs. their words? Where is all the action, instead of all the silent deceit?
Yesterday I battled with one of the largest complexes that ive ever developed, over independence. For the past several months me, and my family, have been having some serious family issues: A violent divorce, discovering mental abuse within my mother, dealing with blatant lies to my face.. Yesterday, I came to the realization that I was always considering myself the victim in these situations. How does that make me stronger?? Being the victim for so long wounded me. Wounded the light that was blessed on me at birth. The wound may not show itself at first, because I am in denial that being a victim is a wound at all. Why? Cause its easier to blame someone else for the actions that I allow myself to think. Explanation: Ive been blaming my relatives for so long about the circumstances within my life, it became my very nature to be “on the bottom of the food chain.” Now I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I am scared of the uncertainty of each day. I am a deer in headlights to anger, and through that I learned best to fear..
I realized the most ironic thing ever, almost reminding me of a paradox; I felt so confident in my victim mentality. Blaming others for my issues became second nature, so much so that I even felt it as dissociation, a fractured personality within myself. I was taught to be independent, I was molded to be that person who could light up a room because I simply had the power to be happy, inspiration. In independence comes complacency, when you mix anger and fear, you get the problem that I deal with on a daily basis. I became so proud and knowing, that I didn’t question my values as a human being, and was so content with grasping at strings in the sky that I failed to notice my own complacency, and incorporation of terrible, evil things into my own life. I strangled my own confidence. I destroyed my past love. I told the light that was so graciously given to bury itself under envy, and forget what was most important because it was too painful, too hard.
I was given a second chance yesterday. After my fight with mom on monday she told me some pretty interesting things. Information that I knew my entire life, but can do absolutely nothing about. So, what did I do after my feeling of helplessness?? I called my grandmother Laura’s house for council, and ended up receiving my aunt Cassie on the other line. I trust Cassie, and decided to speak to her about my issues, and she immediately offered to help me. I was overcome with … a feeling I cant explain. My aunt has three children and a husband who works every day of the week, and goes to school. She is a busy mother, her children are very very young. She told me on the phone “dont worry about it, this is our life, we live it together.”
Dont get me wrong.. I was very very grateful to her for her offer. I will never in my life forget the kindness in Cassie’s heart. But, when I realized that she had to bring her three children along, I was overcome with a mixture of several different feelings. I think everyone gets my drift..
The very next day, things generally went right, but everything we took care of in the area of Lake Mills was invaded by circumstance. Different things weren’t working out, and I had to recruit help from people I didnt even know. It was exhausting, and then the DMV in watertown is only open for two days, and a couple hours (go figure). Yeah we went on the wrong day. Cassie offers to go all the way to Madison in order to get me my license renewed on tuesday.. not any later. I think she could see the terror on my face, but I didnt feel any kind of pity, or remorse out of her.. Just love for me, and the need to help. Cassie reminded me of a lot of things that ive been neglecting in my life, spiritually. I realized yesterday that I am mentally ill from my past. I have a complex in my head that wont allow me to ask for help when I need it the most. I allow myself to stumble, and Cassie reminded me of what it is to “hold open your hands.”
Cassie willingly sat in the madison DMV with her three children for 1 hr 45 mins (1 hour waiting, the ATM wasn’t working, so they had to hold my progress, 45 mins in the car cause I said “it would be quick”) and was patient the entire time with everyone. She was only encouraging. I suggested after the DMV that we go back to Laura’s for a while, and everyone was glad to have a break from the stuffy van. Within the house I realized the good that others had to offer. I realized something very special, and hopefully something that I can hold onto that will make me into a better, more positive, individual. I realized that I didnt even have to thank Cassie for her to be fulfilled. I didnt have to offer her my aid in return, cause she didnt need it, ya know?
The organic food was great. The company was enlightening. The atmosphere was lovely, and ive been to laura’s a thousand times.. I honestly saw the truth about my situation. I allowed myself to be fulfilled, so it happened. Cassie gave me many things on tuesday, but the best thing she gave me was my will back, her kindness reminded me that I really am “On top.”