The turmoil of emotions, geez, I feel like I have taken an 11 year leap backwards, of course it all comes accompanied by the void too! Nothing like processing your shit without your spiritual sweater on! I have spent more time these last few days telling my ego “shhhhh, don’t think like that, that’s not nice!” That alone is work!! lol
I awoke today with one prominent question in my heart, a question that is once again echoed from my spiritual team as they asked me a couple of months ago in my bath tub. ”What do you want?”
In order to get to the truth of that question, you must first realize what you do not want, otherwise the facade lingers and we recreate scenerio’s only to ask our question again at another time. (Obviously it took two months to recreate this scenerio… bigger and louder than before.)
Of course, once you get to the raw feeling of what you know you don’t want, comes the question of why? Am I avoiding something? Is this removal of what I don’t want holding the highest good of all in its desire?
Of course the one landscape of life that has been a pure picker garden for me has always been, family. There was a time, not all that long ago… 12 years, I would have embraced every picker, ignoring the pain, simply to feel wanted and needed by someone… anyone who was “family.”
I Am not that person any longer and God knows I cannot even pretend to be, because I have been trying to pretend since my inner volcano started erupting (and continues to erupt) the evening of the 27th.
Of course, having developed thru constant use the spiritual skills that I have, I can hear the truth of feelings without a word ever being said. That truly is a double edge sword. Ignorance can really be bliss!!
Of course, living within the energies, the community of Shambhala is all about family. It is about living in a unified harmony together, in support and encouragement of the greater good of All. Not just the people, but ALL of life.
So in coming to terms with what I do not want, where do I find the feelings of what I do want?
Thousands upon thousands of hours in meditation, thats where. But it is not enough to know what you do want… you (we) must get to the core issue even there… am I emulating “that” in my life?
I think bank to Jill and Ramus, my first two spiritual guides that was a constant in my meditation for years. Both appearing in their young 20′s (I had serious authority figure issues starting out) they both became the role model I changed my life to reflect. I was truly an infant on this path and they were the perfect parental figures.
Ramus, my dear silent young man. Never spoke a single word to me for 8 solid years. He was always present, always sharing his vibration of love in every meditation, but not a word. Jill, god I so loved her. She was like my supportive best friend. Always there to listen, to offer wisdom and insight, yet never interfered in my processes. Allowed me to make all the choices I came up with and loved and supported me thru the pain of some really negative choices along the way.
But lets look at Ramus… my male figure that I am deeply dealing with right now. He took the position of silence to teach me… no, to show me without a shadow of a doubt that actions speak louder than words.
God knows that is hitting home way too deep right now.
My beloved son. Always has his hand out to take. I have been trying to remember when the last time he extended his hand to help, for no other reason except that he can. I have to go back to childhood.
Then I have to look at my self, how did I create this in him. The rewards system. The parenting classes I had taken along the way, encourged this. Schools used it, and now I see the outcome of that role model of behavior. Anytime he needed or wanted something, he had to do something for me in order to receive it… always. Usually, he cleaned the house. If he didn’t need or want something, he didn’t do a damn thing. He has grown into the perfect living example of that exchange. I surely cannot be mad at him for it, if nothing else, he learned very well from it.
Now I wonder, how much he values himself as a father. I never ever had a value for a “father” in any of my kids life. I never had one myself, so my emphasis has always been on mother. Actually, let’s just change mother into ME, because I was very self consumed as a parent. I entered parenthood completely void of feeling loved… and there is no more constant love than the love of a child… and trust me, I was a vacuum!!
The other side of my struggle as I cross this damm bridge, the re-emergence of a father long forgotten. He has never held the energy of father to me. I knew him for a whopping 4-5 months out of my entire life and that was at age 13. He was just another thorn bush within my thorn garden called family.
At the end of every given day, I just don’t care… and then I feel bad because I just don’t care. I have looked high and low in my heart for that feeling of connection… I have a feeling it must have gone out in my bath water during my intense healing times as I started this path.
I have been remembering the insanity when I fell out of love with my husband… the very day my daughter was born. How on earth do you have inlove feelings for someone for close to three years and wake up one day and they are just gone. I even put myself into a psych hospital to get them back!! Didn’t work at all!
Of course now, I understand the chemical changes in a body that take place when you are in a close connection with another for the growth at hand. Of course, had I not been in love and married to my husband at the time, I would have never ever brought my youngest child into life. The moment she arrived, my chemicals evaporated!
We humans are a crazy species and really get hung up on our external relationships!! Obligations thru the DNA pool. Societies bias and adamancy about parents and children. Hell, our religions are sticklers about it.
So here I am… stripped bare with every aspect of my biological DNA in full exposure. What do I want?
Truth, kindness, honesty, love without conditions and expectations, grace, humility, humor.
I Am that to me. I Am the greatest caretaker of my life’s garden. I am the child, the father, the mother and even the sibling. I Am whole in my heart.
My needs are not external, they are expressive. Action of Love.
My life’s garden attracts and reflects the most amazing love. Pure, radiant, supportive and without conditions at all.
YOU fill my lifes garden. Thru your reflection you constantly remind me how beautiful I Am. That is Family. That is where my happy song lives and expresses.
We come into biology to remember all the things we are not and some of the things we are, so we can radiate all that we have all-ways been. Pure, Whole, Unencumbered by guilt or obligation.
My biological DNA was the catalyst to get to this very moment in time, for which I sooo love and honor them all. It is the 12 years of computer connections, phone connections… a kinded desire thru people who’s heart is the only thing I know, together we have sought the rainbow of wholeness within ourselves, thru each other.
When Ramus, my master guide who has been with me thru this entire incarnation, finally spoke to me, he said you have finally learned the lesson I was here to teach: “Actions speak louder than words.” I am very slow on the uptake!! lol
What you do and how matters more than any word ever will!
Thank YOU for loving me into Full Life!! Together, we are the beauty of Life’s Garden. We are the rainbow hues of Shambhala flowers… Coming Home at last!
P.S. After re-reading this, I should have titled this “Of Course” lol