As each day brings us closer to the end of the year, and the old reality, our lessons increase in number and intensity. I believe it is our guides’ way to ensuring that we clear as much as possible before we move into the new world. Sometimes a lesson requires that we share it with others, not only for their illumination, but as a way to heal from the pain. (Yes, talking helps.) To that end I share this one with you.
Been dealing with a case of the shingles this week. Thought the pain was due to my back/neck being out of alignment, but a visit to the chiropractor (out in 4 places–a record–including skull compression) only provided minor relief. The stabbing, burning unrelenting pain on the left side of my neck and head, that had been there for several days, continued making it nearly impossible to sleep. That same night, unable to rest, I got up and began an online search for the cause. Along with the burning sensation, blisters had formed on the left side of my head behind my ear and also on the back of my ear. My skull had been compressed in that location (felt a rush of energy when it was released). I discovered my symptoms were part of a viral outbreak called Shingles (an adult form of chicken pox).
Stunned, I sat back in my chair just staring at the screen. I couldn’t believe it. Then suddenly an a tormented wail of tore from my throat and I burst into tears. I sense I wasn’t crying just for me was much deeper than that. I knew I was crying for Inner Child. That tormented wail was her wail. She felt exhausted, drained and abused. I felt so ashamed that I could have been so unkind and oblivious to have brought about such a painful illness.
Finally, after several minutes, I pulled myself together and beseeched my guides for an answer. “Why?” I asked. “Why did I get this?” It took about 24 hours to finally get the answer.
The shingles were caused by stress of unrelenting (there’s that word again) uncertainty coupled with a weakened immune system that triggers the virus, lying dormant since childhood, to erupt. When the virus erupted, it went straight to the location on my head where my skull had been compressed.
So what was going on that had brought me to this point?
First, the unrelenting uncertainty of my future was a chronic stresser. Still in the void, I continue to feel adrift with no idea what direction to go. I am constantly on alert looking for signs. At the same time, I continue to be hit with one lesson after another. The only thing I am certain of is that there will be more. The trepidation my Inner Child feels about that is off the charts.
Secondly, I had been going through a very difficult grieving process after the death of my brother, Keith. Though grieving is good in that it is a purging process, it is challenging to the immune system nonetheless.
Thirdly, I was struggling with mounting trepidation of a possible major family dispute involving Keith. He had ended his life in his beloved Colorado mountains but we didn’t know where until rangers discovered his truck 3 months later. They searched for 2 days but didn’t find his body. My brothers and I agreed that we would go out there in late May to look for him. One of my brothers wanted to have Keith’s body removed from his chosen grave and buried in a proper cemetery. The rest of our family wanted him to remain where he was. I dreaded the conflict that would ensue should we find Kieth; it would break my heart to have all the work destroyed that we had done the last 3 years to heal our family.
Last, but not least, was the 2-month visit with Jonathan (my former partner) that had just ended. It had been good to see him, but the stress of having to be on alert nearly 24 hours a day due to his Parkinson syndrome, had taken a toll. The visit was only supposed to last 2 to 3 weeks but I had let it go longer for various reasons. I was totally drained and exhausted by the time he left. The burning pain and sensitivity, a precursor to shingles, began 2 days later.
When I sat and wrote down all these things it was easy to see why something as severe as shingles would manifest. My Inner Child was trying to tell me that she could not take it anymore, but because of an age-old dysfunctional pattern of putting other’s needs first, I had not heeded the warning. I knew better, had taught it for years but had not walked my talk. No wonder I felt so ashamed. Lesson learned–again.