For those of you who have followed the weekly messages for at least the last couple of years, you know that it’s been a rocky road. Death seemed to follow me and the subsequent grief of losing 3 of the 4 men I love the most has made it hard to keep myself together. As you have read, the suicide loss of my little brother last year has been the hardest. The intense pain caused me to lose all desire to do this work…or anything else. Since that time I have struggled with depression, the likes of which i have never known. I’m usally a positive person who wakes up each day in a good mood; hope was easy for me…until last July 27th. Now I wake each day wondering if I’ll ever feel joy again; the weight of sadness in my chest is almost suffocating. I recall saying to myself (and Keith) just a week or so ago that now I knew what he experienced almost every day of his life since he was about 8 years old. The hoplessness, helplessness and frustation of it all is at times unbearable. So at least I now know how he felt…at least to some degree.
I’ve been a member of a group here in town called the Marty Connection since early 2009. It’s a networking group that meets every week to socialize and refer business. Not only is it fun, it has become my lifeline and have helped me pull myself out of the darkness more times than I can count. Dave, it’s founder, was my partner in my very first networking organization back in 1987. He has asked me repeatedly to consider joining forces again but I refused.
Then, it all changed in an instant that same night. I don’t know if it was the X-class solar flare hitting the Earth or what, but I felt the pain of that suicide loss suddenly lift and the anxiety over the new venture dissappear. It was as though someone had gone into my heart and magically erased all the pain and sadness. SuddenlyI could feel joy again and I actually found myself smiling so big I laughed. I felt like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon after a long hard winter. Funny, I kept seeing butterflies yesterday and the day before.
So, to wrap this up, I’m moving on to something new. I’m still not sure how I will phase out this work. For now I’ll keep the weekly messages going, but they may not be regular or arrive on a Monday. The website will remain till the end of the year along with already scheduled workshops and retreats. I’ll discount all remaining books, CD and DVD sets to clear out stock so if there is something that you wanted but not have purchased, now would be a good time.
Big hugs to you all,