John Ward – Next Week In The Eurozone – 1 September 2012

Philip Roesler, German economy minister reiterates that if Greece doesn’t deliver on its austerity budget, it won’t receive any more bail-out cash. An Italian think-tank says that if Greece leaves, other Clubmeds will give up.

Spanish bank depositors rush out to withdraw yet more cash on the news. The net worth of Spanish mattresses is estimated by Bloomberg to be €200bn. Valencia’s need for cash leaps from €3.5bn to €4.5bn.

Mario Monti meets with Merkel in Berlin and recommends several mouth-sewing techniques that could be administered to Roesler’s gob.

Merkel says Mario should wait and see what effect the bail-out of Spain’s battered lenders will have on markets before requesting aid. Monti says the ESM should become a bank or else everything will go tits up. Angela flies to Beijing to sign two more massive trade deals, during which German and Chinese are the only nationalities present.

Antonis Samaras tells the Greeks their country would effectively exit the euro and crumble without the next round of spending cuts leave the euro. This would, he adds without evidence, destroy Greece, and cause tectonic plates beneath the Aegean to shift.


Philip Roessler, who has been on a plane and thus unable to say anything for nine hours, rushes onto the Beijing tarmac and shouts “Greeks don’t keep their promises and so their firstborn must be slain”. Mass withdrawals  take place in Spain and Italy.

A Bundestag CDU source says the obvious result of Grexit will be even more depositor withdrawals in Spain and Italy and so there will be no Grexit, it is all fixed and don’t worry. Spanish bank depositors rush to put all their money back in the banks. The mafia goes to every house in Italy demanding a bed. They collide with depositors rushing to put money back in the banks. An appalling death toll results.

Benjamin Netanyahu makes a public appeal to Evangelos Venizelos, guaranteeing him a lifetime supply of pies as part of the tripartite energy deal with Cyprus. Mossad secretly stands by, ready to poison the pies.

Spanish PM Rajoy appeals for calm. Catalonia tells Valencia, “I’ll meet your €4.5bn and raise you a further €8bn”. Warren Buffet takes a 40% stake in Valencia, vowing “This is the time to get in on the ground floor”. The Italian Mafia ships 2,700 beds to Valencia and deposits all of them in the regional bank. Madrid issues shares in Catalonia (2012) SA and hires Goldman Sachs to handle a New York IPO.

The Glazer Family flies its Delaware Headquarters to Spain, buys Murcia with unsold Manchester United non-voting shares, declares the club bankrupt, and demands an EU bailout.

Mario Draghi says he is exactly halfway between Mario Monti’s desire for an ESM bank and an enormous shovel right now expressed in Rome, and Angela Merkel’s position as evinced in Beijing that fiscal union must come first. Analysts calculate that this means Draghi is in Uzbekhistaan. A rumour sweeps the Paris Bourse that the ECB Chairman has defected and taken all the money with him.

Credit Agricole depositors block all the autoroutes leading out of France. A rumour sweeps Wall Street that nobody knows why the French farmers have done this, but Christine Lagarde Wanted posters are sprouting everywhere. A rumour tries to sweep the French autoroutes, but is stuck in traffic jams.

French PM Francois Hollande appeals for calm, and the air fare back from Madrid. David Cameron says everyone needs to pull their fingers out, roll up their sleeves, and pull up their socks as the Pound rockets to a 500 euro exchange rate, and 99.8% of Britain’s export orders are cancelled.

Louise Mensch hears of the new exchange rate, withdraws her entire life savings from Coutts in cash, and flies to Athens. She pays off the Greek national debt anonymously, but then accidentally backs into her press conference afterwards and is proclaimed Empress of Antipaxos.

To be continued link to original article


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