Boy, did duality show up at my door yesterday! I actually had completely forgotten I was awaiting lab results from the thingie that was removed from my back last week, at least until my Doctor called me personally yesterday about 3 in the afternoon. I had just come out of a bath meditation, helping a client remove an unneeded, self-created, closed door at the threshold of Oct. / Nov., keeping her from the lake of joy that is November. I will get to that interesting meditation… later. (Meaning, tomorrow)
I have a tendency to live in such a state of excitement, even when people on the other end of my phone line aren’t feeling very excited about what they are currently experiencing in their lives. There is always something bigger and better brewing from it all.
So when my Doctor told me that the thingie on my back was a Level 4 malignant melanoma that had ulcerated, I think at first, her words and her incredible kindness and concern, just kinda hit dead air space within me at reception. She had also mentioned some other aspects of that thingie that my head was just not wrapping around in that moment. But every bad thing you would hope did not show up in a biopsy… was there. I am within the 2% of people who get this kind of news with any sort of skin cancer.
Before she even called me, she was already on the phone making arrangements for me to see a melanoma specialist and he had agreed to take on my case, even tho I have no money and no insurance. I suppose, I do have some good karma coins in what could appear as some really bad news. And I am not going to pretend, it is indeed, by all appearances, really bad news.
She had told me they want to do a full body scan on me, to see where else this bad boy had traveled to in my body. It has, after all, been growing and deepening on me since February 2011. And I let it!!
After I hung up with my Doctor, I trolled google to understand some of the things she told me. Things like ulceration, cell division, level 4… at first, I got confused between a level 4 and stage 4. Looking at the statistics of a stage 4 melanoma took to a place I never thought I would go… especially on this hallelujah day of November 1st!! The 5 year survival rate was 10-14%. Really? That sounds pretty freakin dire to me. I really only got sad for a minute… sad enough to let tears run thru as I thought of my children and grandson. I can’t imagine how this would affect them and all the things I wanted to teach my grandson.
The more read about stage 4, I realized there is no way this could be what she meant by a level 4… and god knows the internet loves to focus on worse case scenario first. We do not know if it has metastasized yet. So what does level 4 mean. My Doctor did say it is the worst level I could be at, but what does that mean??
It is funny really, I have been asking the universe each and every day to put new words in my mouth, since they are constantly pulling out old ones with no replacement. These are not the words I was expecting… clark vs breslow, which level was she talking about? Metotic rate… all she said it was very high. I really don’t want to know these words… but now I do.
Once I consumed enough words and their definitions to make my head spin… I just sat with this news for a moment. I had to decide how am I going to feel about this. At first I was just numb. But I did manage some humor when my doctor suggested I quit smoking… I simply said… are you crazy??? I don’t drink, I don’t have wild sex, I am not giving this up while receiving the worst news of my life!! She understood and left it at “I have pills to help you quit when your ready.”
Ya know you have a great doctor when she kept asking me of I had any questions, I said I need to sit with this first and understand why I have this. Just as quickly she said “you know, some people think it can be from a past life.” I LOVE my doctor!!
I sat and thought about these last two years. I knew February of last year something was not right in Denmark… but I did nothing. I use a very hand excuse for not dealing… I have no money and I have no insurance, in America, this combination alone can kill you.
When I was back in Virginia last year for several months, I did find a program that would allow me close to free medical, so I had a Doctor look at this. She wasn’t too worried and told me I need to see a dermatologist, but couldn’t find one or the funding to send me to one. If she wasn’t too worried, I decided I am not going to be either. Had this been dealt with last year, it would be a non-invasive issue. But it wasn’t because I didn’t push.
Since that time, this thing had doubled in size and height .. and was just really gross looking. I had spent many a meditation talking to it… asking, I have a feeling, the wrong question. I had assumed… as we all do, that there must be something in me needing to be addressed. A hidden negative emotion, something eating at me… there has to be something I have not found within my own emotional field to clean up. Yet… time and time again, my thingie, my body was simply say.. there is nothing.
So then, I need to ask the correct question… and I need to ask it now!!
Since my mind was officially going every which way but loose…I decided to pick up my handy dandy pendulum and alphabet paper, and ask Michael about all this. My first and biggest question to him was “Do I have cancer elsewhere in my body,” his reply…. “yes.” Ok… I am not going to let that shake me since it was not shaking him!! So then, my next important question… what is my lesson with it? Talk about an unexpected reply… my loving hunk of an angel swings out “Time goes places rivers can’t” Really? This is what you are going to tell me? What does this have to do with cancer… he swings out… “EVERYTHING.”
So I did what I do best, I sat on the couch and pondered.
The one thing I knew for sure… I am actually quite joyful at this moment. I am not scared at all. My kids on the other hand… worried, as worried gets.
On my couch is also the new book I am reading “Proof of Heaven.” I picked it up and thought about my own interest in reading and listening to people who live, work and breathe science and their mind opening experiences with near death. The man who wrote this book is a neurosurgeon who had, what appeared by all text books, a rare and deadly form of E Coli Meningitis that was literally eating his brain…. rendering him in a coma for a week, allowing him a much needed trip back Home.
While holding this book and pondering my own self… I also thought of how profound experience of Jill Bolte Taylor as she went on to talk about experience of being aware during her stroke. The fact that she is a brain scientist… amazing.
I suddenly realized, these were not illnesses caused by issues… but a part of a life plan path that would create a deeper, stronger awareness in the field of science… especially as it relates to the brain and consciousness.
I thought about my first appointment with my own Doctor back in August to look at this. Of course she recommended I see a dermatologist but there was none in the sliding scale system I was now a part of (which to me became affordable health and dental care for 6 months.) She no sooner suggested it than she looked at me and said, you don’t have the money to see one do you… nope! Hence, why I am still carrying this wonder on my back!!
She said she didn’t have the materials on hand to remove it, but would order them and do the removal there. Fine by me. I drug my heals…. again… about getting that next appointment scheduled… all the way til October. I wasn’t really worried about it at all. Especially when she looked at it and said she didn’t think it was cancer, but a growth of cell cluster that is non-threatening. Considering I have had psoriasis off and one since I was 17 years old, I figured these must be kissing cousins. I really was not worried.
When I finally made my next appointment, she had forgotten to order what was needed to do this little removal. So we rescheduled again… to last Thursday, when it finally came off!!
So I had to ponder the fact that, maybe, there is something more to this experience. Since the summer, since the acceleration of energy on this planet, that thing on my back seemed to accelerate its own growth rate too. It changed rapidly over these last couple months.
The more I thought about all of this, I actually got excited. What if this was the only way to push me out of my comfort zone… to explore new places that I would otherwise not even go. This has got to be a gift that we all can learn from!!
I am absolutely not afraid of death, I do not see death as worse case scenario at all. I do love a good challenge, and I have a feeling, I have indeed grown one!! Game on!!
So with that, I am actually excited about this leg of my journey. Weirdly excited actually!! No matter what may be lurking in my body… I can “see” and “hear” and follow direction from spirit.
I thought about healing last evening. When someone gets dealt what looks like a devastating hand… our knee jerk reaction is to send healing energy. Why? Crazy I would even ponder such a thing… since I am one of those who do just that. It comes from fear!!! Whoda thunk that? But in my wondering moments last evening… that was so apparent. Good intentions… but from a place of worry. So, I am going to ask, please don’t send me any healing energy… love yes… joy… absolutely…
I have decided to approach this in a unique manner. I will be getting a call today to set up a full body scan to see what my inner’s look like. I am not going to do a thing until we get the playing board called my body. Once I fully know what the game board looks like, feels like… there is no doubt the playing pieces will be presented… and how to work in Michael’s energy of time and rivers!!
I really am, kinda weirdly excited. I feel such a tremendous growth spurt at hand… one that could not come any other way.
Every THING in life is a gift… if you dare to simply open it with joy!!
In Joy, Gratitude and Wonder!!
(((((HUGZ)))) of Heaven all around us and within us!!
Lisa Gawlas www.mysoulcenter.com/energy_readings.html
I started hearing this song the moment I hung up with my Doctor!! I had loved it when it first came out… and now… well, lets just say I love it even more!!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6xSGLZd9Vg4Uploaded by ahmedleo414 on 10 December 2006