John Ward – Hunt Balls : Slog Spoofclusive…Leaked Pre-Doctored Press Release From Department Of Health Reveals Shock Death-Rates Agenda – 11 June 2013

govukPress release: Local variation in avoidable death rates revealed

The “shocking” local variation in early death rates was exposed today by Health Secretary and ConservativeHome cub-reporter Jeremy Rhyminge-Slang

The “shocking” local variation in early death rates has been exposed by Jeremy to drive his public awareness up and boost his career as PPP’s main secret agent in the Coalition Government, reporting to her Ladyship Baroness Frunt-Bottomley

Using a traffic-light rating system, Jezzer’s dinky new graphic ranks areas showing those performing above average in creating avoidable deaths as green, and exposes the worst that are lagging behind and need to kill more patients as red. In the middle hanging on for dear life while waiting for an operation are live patients as orange. The future is very orange, but not very bright. Neither is Jeremy.

The website contains a range of data that, for the first time, allows (sic) people to easily compare and split infinitives about an area’s mortality performance against those with similar populations, incomes, levels of health, and entirely separate case histories.

Overall it shows that the Labour-voting north of England has a higher risk of early death than the south (I mean what can one expect for God’s sake?)  but when comparing areas of a similar socio-economic status it reveals a more complex picture. For example, Rotherham and Redcar & Cleveland have the best rates of reducing premature deaths amongst those local authorities with the greatest levels of deprivation, whilst areas such as Bracknell Forest and Central Bedfordshire have the worst rates of premature mortality amongst the most affluent local authorities. We have ruled out any chance here of greater staff dedication in deprived areas, and overeating fat Tory bastards in wealthy areas, because they don’t fit into our construct.

Health Secretary and eternal Job Seeker Jeremy Taiping-Errah said:

“This shocking variation in early and unnecessary deaths means people’s lives are being needlessly cut short by A&E closures, and that cannot continue unchecked or else I’ll lose my job and then cousin Ginny might thrash me. So I’m asking you lovely, fluffy fucking useless State-employed morons to use the data released today to identify local public health challenges like smoking, drinking, obesity and the burgeoning threat of psychopathy to help achieve our ambition for saving 30,000 lives a year by 2020. Which, out of a population of 64 million, is not too bad at all and should get it back to reasonable levels after all that silly immigration of recent years.

Being a transparently ambitious gargoyle, I will also of course tweet incessantly to let the public to see how their local area is performing over time, thus allowing the private sector to step in after my mates in the OFT have refused Trust mergers caused by Andrew Lacklustre and I slashing hospital budgets.

Professor John Newton, Chief Knowledge & Otherwise Non-Job Officer at PHE (Private Health Enthusiasm) said:

“Longer Lives come to an end at a time when other folks are already dead, and so the health and care system has a new role as the champion for their public’s health, designed as it is to help people live longer, minus only the means by which to support them and unscramble their brains.

Deaths in England under age 75 place us seventh out of 17 European countries for men and 15th for women, and must improve. Our target for 2020 is therefore to have the highest death rates in that sector, in order to relieve the pressure on the crumbling Aged Care system and save oodles of dosh on the pension bill”.

Working with their Clinical Commissioning Group partners through health and wellbeing multi-agency commissioning and decorating boards, local councils have a pivotal role in leading the local health and care system over the cliff by assisting in the Office of Fair Trading’s mission to fuck up every NHS Trust merger it can find and then get BUPA on board. By bringing together the data on premature deaths and adding it to the data on longer lives before doubling the first number they thought of, local councils will be able to gain insight into the money they have inherited through assisted suicides, thus allowing them to identify areas of future income potential by leaving the Ward windows open every night.  Guidance from the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) on how to provide erroneous excuses for restricting drugs is also provided, as are links to information about how each cause of mortality can be doctored using the Best Practice perfected at Stafford Hospital.

This data is the first information to be rolled out as part of the government’s plans to provide the public and health professionals with clear, easily accessible information on how health and care services are doing in improving death outcomes wherever we die.


The data provided in Longer Lives is from the Public Obesity Outcomes Framework (POOF). This is the first time it has been published in this form, making the information easy to access, view and compare. For the ongoing facilitation of this process, Jeremy will be using his globally-patented traffic lights graphic, in which green will represent insufferably thin vegetarians, red will signify fat slags composed almost entirely of Domino Pizzas (one of the Health Secretary’s biggest constituency donors) and Orange for people fed up of skin cancer health scares who’ve been enjoying the sun while on j0llies courtesy of Patrick Mercer.

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