Global markets were in shock last night as the French central bank unilaterally decided to float the weight of gold. Launching a new sector – the Weights And Normality Kneesup (WANK) – Bank de France President M. Peto Main de Branleur announced that after just five hours of trading, the weight of gold had increased from 1 to 2.7738 grams per gram.
“This is a really exciting move by the French,” commented NSBC economics supremo Drew A. Longside, “it shows a bold and lateral approach to leverage of which Tim Geithner would be justly proud”. Mr Longside there was a downside to the short side in that aside from this being a “big idea”, the upside might be seen by Beijing as offside.
But flying into Paris from his Asian offensive, President Francois Hollande told newsmen, “My trip was an outstanding success in that everyone one I met found me deeply offensive, and I have no doubt that this new French innovation will confirm them in that view”.
Meanwhile, sitting on her favourite 1967 Zil fridge, German Chancellor Angela Merkel gave a hastily arranged press conference in Berlin this morning… at which she announced to an adoring press corps that Germany in turn had launched a new bourse, the DUMM or Density Uplifting Mass Meter.
“Wolfie came up wizz it while pumping up ze tyres on hiss wheelchair last night,” she told reporters, “und since the Dumm’s öffenink two hours ago, our superior German gold’s density has more zan trebled, which as you know means the mass is increasing. Once again, the same Franco-German ingenuity that brought you the Greek bailout and the Cyprus bailin has to ze rescue gekommen.”
Thirteen fatalities were recorded as traders globally scrambled to buy the newly reweighed and remassed precious metal, only to be told that it was only for sale to Banque de France and the German Bundesbank.
“I just don’t get why they’re doing this,” said top Belgian dealer Alice Klar, but ECB boss Mario Draghi called the Franco-German move “a good start”, announcing by late morning CET that with immediate effect the euro would be renamed the vino, exchangeable for existing notes at the rate of 1 to 7,684. “I want all eurozone citizens to know that the vino in your pocket will not be worth any less as long as you don’t buy anything with it, but you would be better keeping it in a bottle”.
Scuffles broke out later following a heated debate as to whether the vino should set at Rhine, French or Italian wine prices. But a delighted Nigel Avrage said, “This is fantastic news in that as we have no wine industry it will now be impossible for us to join ever, fwahaw. We could always rename the Pound the Pint frahhawhawhaw, same again barman”.
Frantic currency brains at the US Federal Reserve worked through the night to come up with a counter-strategy. A Washington source told the Spoofatron this morning, “Some of the guys over at Treasury want to recalibrate time in order to devalue the date to 12.4.1868, a small 0.0o3% cut from its current price of 12.6.2013, working on the basis of the Assyrans having invented money around 5,400 years ago. We figure that should get our export drive moving.”
Panic took hold in Tokyo overnight as sentiment moved into Heavyweight and HiMass gold futures, collapsing the Nikkei. When news breaks of the Fed’s move, experts believe the Yen will treble in value. Sales of Hari-Kiri swords were up 650% on the news so far.