John Ward – Mutti Merkel – 30 June 2013

askangelaAsk Angela – Europe’s most prolific agony Aunt

An occasional series in which the good Frau Doktor allays the fears of the Ünterleute

Dear Angela

Can you give me any tips please on how I can grow some balance sheets on my allotment here in Sverdlosk? Vladimir.

Well Vladimir, there’s nothing like a lot of oil on your food to make things taste better, and turn you into a lardarse. What I tend to do with my balance sheets is plant them as deeply as possible in the soil so that they only ever surface after a long time. Then I cook them vigorously to make them vaguely palateable.

Dear Angela

Do you think Europe is headed for a double-dip recession? Chrissie x

Chrissie, I sincerely hope not, as I never ever start a meal without a double portion of dips. Luckily, I still have custody of my 1968 Moskva fridge which can hold up to 360 dips.

I’m not sure I entirely understand your definition of recession, as here in the Fatherland things are going gangbusters, which is much better than the Dam Busters hohoho just my little joke. Clearly you are not up to speed with our latest research about the correlation between ClubMed austerity and German prosperity. I would counsel against a career in economics: have you ever considered a career in the legal profession?

Dear Angela

I wonder if you could help me? I have managed to get into the Government, but I can’t seem to get into my car. Benny

Oh Benny, how well I understand your problem! Many was the time, when I was younger after a hard day in the Youth League – that I used to love slipping into something cool – usually my 1968 Moskva fridge where all the dips are kept – but nowadays I too cannot fit into it. I sense from the picture you have sent me that you are a regular habitué of hog roasts? If so, it is as well to remember that other people are supposed to eat some of the animal as well as you. Might I suggest a larger car…..a Zil perhaps?

Dear Angela

At a ratio of 103 to 1, I’m feeling a little over-leveraged – and finding it harder and harder to do God’s work. What do you suggest? Lloyd.

It’s a funny thing, but even though I’m the leader of the Christian Democrats, I don’t believe in Christ and I’m not democratic at all. I suspect it might be the same for you – zum Beispiel, you don’t like work and you don’t believe in God. I suspect you believe in letting the markets decide, rather than the People: for me, it’s very similar – I believe in letting me decide, and ignoring the People. Perhaps you need to screw the People by fixing the markets until this little case of upset leverage has passed. I often find after a few too many Apfelküchen that I can cure such episodes with a couple of Windeze tablets.

Feel free to send any questions you have for Angela at jawslog@gmail.com

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