Tarquin the sensitive gorilla….good with colours
The entire mediterranean region which put on high ecological alert yesterday when it was announced that new Greek Foreign Minister Evangelos Venizelos is visiting Cyprus for meetings with the island’s president Nicos Anastasiades, his counterpart Ioannis Kasoulides and other senior political officials today.
Benny Veryzealous was moved over to foreign policy during a Cabinet reshuffle last month, after Prime Minister Samaras expressed concern that the rare antique Cabinet seat being occupied by world’s heaviest fart-powered balloon might soon collapse. Now officials in Nicosia are taking precautions for his arrival there, and will be monitoring the sea level before and after his stay.
“I think very possibly a much bigger danger is that his plane won’t be able to lift off from the runway,” said unnamed airport official Alexis Tsipras. Meanwhile, rumours swept Athens last night that the notorious Lagarde List is to be renamed the Lardarse list in the Foreign Secretary’s honour.
Everlardarse Venalsellout is 56. Stone.
Leading humility researcher Rupert Murdoch accidentally gave phone-hack investigators full and frank access to his latest thoughts on the scandal earlier this week, but Dan Hannan, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson and Michael Gove insisted that the tapes “offer nothing new to what we already know about Mr Murdoch, in that he is a God single-handedly restoring the independence of the British press with the didgereedoo of Truth”.
During the tapes, Rupert tells his workers, “It’s your job to hack these toffee-nosed Pom bastards and bribe every copper you can bend”, but Mayor Johnson said this was “typical of Mr Murdoch’s playful sense of fun and unique grasp of irony”. Commenting on a threat by the Newscorp boss to “wring that c**t Cameron’s neck until his epiglottis is flatter than a Conga eel’s dick”, Jeremy Hunt dismissed the threat as “a figure of speech”. And on being questioned about the threat to “turn Britain into a nuclear pancake if I don’t get my way”, Michael Gove remarked that “Rupert is a very determined man and just the sort of giant we need to knock Britain into shape. It seems to me that a pancake is as valid as any other shape, and thus Mr Murdoch should be allowed to return to his job of teaching us all what’s best for us, free from any stain applied to his person by still more leftwing rumous and innuendo”.
Dan Hannan tweeted, ‘Isn’t it funny how resentful Lefties just can’t bear to see an opinion-leading genius doing well?’
New research has confirmed that perfection for men in a relationship would be a mother in the kitchen, a style icon during dinner parties, and a slut in the bedroom. It also suggests that for women, the requirement is Jamie Oliver in the kitchen, Russell Brand during dinner parties, a highly sensitive 450lb gorilla in the bedroom, and an open cheque-book in the divorce courts.
Commenting on the research, Harriet Harman said there was a pressing need for much bigger mansions to house all these people and thus prove the need for a mansion tax. Adrianna Huffington said the research clearly showed that Britain needs a crash-programme of Court construction.