John Ward – Spin Crisis : Top Media Management Firm Warns Of Peak Bollocks By 2015 – 4 September 2013

JohnWWould you believe it? Probably not.

Leading London spin-doctor Jasper Hawes-Hitte yesterday warned the ongoing manipulation space of the “grave danger” that the global reservoir of bollocks would start to deplete “probably at some point in late May 2015″. The CEO of British firm Bellend Pottingshed warned his audience at the London Drivel Dynamics Conference about “the very real possibility that we will be facing a cobblers crisis unless fresh new minds come along and start coming up with new bollocks to replace the complete bollocks we’re peddling now. The load of old bollocks we’ve been feeding the proles is beginning to wear thin, and challenge our ability to credibly deny the grubby, crooked and generally tits-up nature of pretty much everything”.

Several recent examples were high on the agenda for delegates, most notably an assertion from the White House yesterday afternoon that British MPs (secretly in the pay of a Communist Assad splinter group dedicated to pitchforking babies) had forced backbenchers at gunpoint into the Commons lobbies in order to vote against a police operation in Syria designed to rescue Muslim Brotherhood freedom-fighters from 57 of Assad’s wives throwing unstable radioactive isotopes at them in complete violation of UN articles about the Good Guys always winning.

Earlier, heavyweight bank media coordination Tsar Alexandro Futuradiumska had warned that “not all the turds we’re throwin’ out there are stickin’ to the walls”, adding, “We got kinda worried about the Goldman Sachs thing – where they said Obama might nuke Britain if it left the EU, and Merkel would slay every firstborn banker in the City which, you know, was kind of what people would like anyway, only without the ‘first’ prefix”.

Credible deniability (a by-product of bollocks) is also in short supply. There are fears throughout the industry, for example, that the discovery of Bendamind Netanyahoo yelling at Muslim Brotherhood members “You f**king dense Islamist goyim couldn’t hit a rabbi with napalm from three inches” might be embarrassing for the Obama administration. Said American delegate Zeek Haisle, “We believe the believability factor on the Assad blame quotient has fallen south of zero, which is unbelievable, and basically means we are in a negative belief situation here.”

The first bullsh**ter so far to posit the possibility of Peak Bollocks, Haws-Hitte nevertheless faced fierce criticism this morning from former Tony Blurrgh Spin Doctor “Chemical” Ali Dumbbell. “Let’s get real and talk straight,” he lied, “the average British voter would believe any old bollocks no matter how ridiculous. For example, the idea of that Mick quack what was his name, O’Leary…no, Kelly…slashing his wrists with a blunt pen-knife – I meman, not one of my best right – but they swallowed it whole”.

Mr Dongbell’s theory was put to the test later today when Fukushima management company Pepsi Cola said. “Although the level of escape from the plant is now 68 trillion times higher than we said, er, thought, the good news is that it is not in fact radioactive, but televisinactive, which is an entirely different matter thanks to the foresight of General Effluent in using Krypton rather than uranium to generate the energy which is thus entirely clean and will some time soon solve the entire financial crisis”. Consolidated Pacific Fisheries rose 14% on the news.

Renegade James Delingpolarbear joined the sceptics’ chorus by observing in his 23rd blog overnight, “Listen, I could tell Waynetta Lowlife that uranium waste makes the perfect base for Muesli and her sponge-like brain would soak it up effortlessly”. But Professor Con O’Coughmixture said, “I think Jasper has a point…..I read the comment threads below my columns these days, and I think the thin veneer of wrinkled old scrotum around my bollocks has finally fallen away. It’s all rather worrying for everyone in the Superlie sector”.

Leading alternative gobsh*te campaigner Yiannisthon Porridgopoulus has long argued that a new, sustainable and infinitely renewable form of media mendacity should be developed as quickly as possible. “We have been successfully recycling made-up rubbish for decades, but now with full internet storage, researchers are working out what garbage it was and blowing the whistle. We should be looking more closely at the future of solar bollocks that will vapourise and become instantly invisible, thus leaving no cobblers footprint.”

Either way, we must leave the last word to Hungary-for-fun Peeress Lord Petra Fondlebum of Boy. “Well you seeeee, I think we must look for the third way beyond swinging both ways on the testicular tripe issue. I mean, on the one hand there’s nothing I like better than feeling my way past bollocks and then into the dark secret that lies behind them. But with my other hand, we simple crave some relief from the constant stream of obvious smears that even idiots can see coming. What we need is pernicious gossip heavily disguised as objective news that the average backbencher and Congressman can feel comfortable repeating – outrageously vicious stuff that goes beyond character assassination and on into total life destruction. And the truly artistic beeoooty of it dear, is to make the entire farrago absolooootely impossible to check.”

So then: the guidance of a master debater on such issues. Or something like that.

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