John Ward – And On Saturday Afternoon Here Tonight…- 14 September 2013

JohnWUS Secretary of State John Kerry last night called talks in Geneva about the Syrian crisis with his Russian counterpart Sergei Lavrov “constructive”. Lavrov threw some bricks at Kerry, after which the American walled his Russian oppo up behind makeshift plasterboard. Later the two men built a wall between themselves, but then the Germans knocked it down. Berlin will now play Beijing in the final.

But today, things looked better as the Maily Telegraph reported that ‘the US and Russia have agreed a deal and timeline for securing the handover of Syria’s chemical weapons’. The US will hand to Russia the weapons it supplied to the Muslim Brotherhood, and the Russians will hand to America the weapons it supplied to Basshar Assad. Everyone gave the two sides a big hand. Nobody gained the upper hand, but at least the right hand now knows what the left hand is doing, and the Syrian insurgents have a free hand to ensure Assad’s hands are tied. Mossad denied having a hand in the deal, but Whingeyman BetonYahoo said he had a foot in the door.

Inventor of the tape sound reduction system Ray Dolby has died aged eighty. There will be a minute’s silence to mark the event.

Goldman Sachs, which is to underwrite Twitter’s introduction to the US stock market, confirmed that the offer document would contain exactly 140 characters, most of whom would be shady.

The European Commission has criticised the government of Cyprus for increasing public spending without consulting its international creditors first. Joint EU President Herman van Rompuy told reporters in Brussels, “This is stealing from the very people who stole their money, and two wrongs will never make a right. It is therefore our firm intention to steal it back, at which point three wrongs will make a right at Nicosia and invade Syria. America will be the Wrong One, Britain will be Wrong Too, but France will be Wrong three times more idiotically than anyone else.”

As you can see, it’s a slow day.

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