John Ward – Not Exactly The Entirely Accurate News Today – 9 October 2013

JohnWRepublican Senator Richard Burr from North Carolina, a reliable friend of business on Capitol Hill, told the media this afternoon that if Japan was vapourised by further nuclear accidents at Fukushima, it wouldn’t necessarily be “the catastrophe that the usual doom merchants are predicting”. He asked Americans to remember that the Japanese were on the other side during World War II and “nobody in Asia likes them anyway”.

“I don’t think Japan ceasing to exist would lead to the sort of global economic cataclysm the Democrats and other bleeding heart liberals keep insisting must happen,” said Burr, “Come to think of it, we’d sell one helluva lot more automobiles abroad without these guys in the way”.


Scottish Respect MP George Galloway was outspoken today 456 to 409 by climate change anorak James Delingpole. Delingpole will go on to meet MEP Dan Hannan in the final.


A politician is a man* who promises to do something good for you once elected, and then does something awful to you once elected. He explains this by saying that he had to do something awful to you because the previous incumbent did something good for you when he was in power even though he couldn’t afford to, and so now he the current incumbent has no choice but to do something awful to you so that next time his successor can do something good for you. No blame in history was ever allowed to attach itself to a politician in the present Eternity referred to by Lord Buddha as Now.

* Some politicians are women. If this is the case, her explanation will be, “You’re a man for crying out loud, how could you possibly be expected to understand?”


The compilers of the Oxford English Dictionary have appealed to the newly formed UK Supreme Court to rule on when less is more – or the other way round. They point out in their submission that on the one hand, over the last thirty years we have been promised the paperless office, wireless technology, and the cashless society….yet more paper, wires and cash are in circulation than ever before; but on the other hand, economic recoveries are expected to be jobless….and jobs are indeed more scarce than ever before.

Said Lord Justice Kydde-Bothams, “We are more or less as one on the matter, and will report back in due course”.


Senior functionaries operating the Obamacare Health scheme are set to outlaw debt ceilings that loom. Speaking on NCSBSC news network this afternoon, Senior VP Patientfacing Threats Tab Letts told viewers “Looming ceilings are a real and present danger in the room space, and we need to have higher aspirations when it comes to legislation in this regard going forward”. He added that he was quite content with debt ceilings that either presented or were raised, but definitely had one up the barrel and ready to go for threatening ceilings, whose behaviour he designated “unacceptably reactionary”.

Commenting on the Letts outburst, Goldman Sachs Jesuit Lord Bankfine told the Wall Street Journal, “According to our numbers, looming Obamacare VPs are closely aligned to the Al Q’eida terrorist Axis of Evil, none of whose activities have been properly regulated by the Derivatives & Comparatives Commission. If let loose to attack at will, they could very easily upset the carefully maintained balance of global Orbital Weapons Defence Swaps, with potentially catastrophic outcomes. We urge all citizens to email their Congressmen and demand the immediate withdrawal of all Obamacare missile bases from Cuba”.


Strictly Come Dancing contestant Vanessa Feltz has admitted to the Daily Mail that that the BBC 1 show is giving her some body confidence issues.

‘The truth is, dancing is about grace, lightness and forming “beautiful shapes and lines,”’ she wrote in her column in Closer magazine,‘That’s why professional dancers are wafer-thin and ooze natural elegance. It’s tough on the self-esteem for a famous fat person like me to strip off in the dressing room alongside the likes of James’ exquisite wife Ola and willowy model Abbey Clancy.’ / link to original article

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