There is so much to be said about the medicine called LOVE. It seeps into nooks and cranny’s that no other drug can. This morning is the first morning my dad said he actually feels good. He can take a breath without it hurting and is actually showing joy. To me, this is huge, I have been here 13 days now and this is the first day I have seen him look and feel this good. Nothing has really changed except the stroll of family and friends in and out of the house since he was released from the hospital on the 10th. Yesterday, just about all of his children circled themselves around his bed and laughed and brought joy and love into his space.
Of course, he thinks I am slight nuts, and I am honored to have him think that of me, cuz I am!! lol I am taking all the “first” pictures. The first time he had a microwaved shampoo cap on his head to wash his hair, the first time his most loving wife gave him his blood thinner shot at home. He said it is strange I am documenting his death, I corrected him right away and told him I am documenting his transition to the other side. Death is an impossibility. We celebrate life coming in, take pictures, tell stories why not in the transitioning out too. Of course, I have been talking like that since I arrived and I think this is the first time he really felt the truth of what I was saying and even found it something to smile about.
However, getting to this single moment has been one hellofa chaotic journey. Before my father was in the hospital for this 12 day stay, he had just been released 12 days prior for what was a 9 day stay. They did a biopsy on the tumor in his lung the first time he was in and never ever got the results until this hospital stay, I was standing there when he got the news. The once benign tumor of 3 years ago, was now full-blown stage 4 cancer that had metastasized to his liver, brain and spine. He now had several tumors in his lung and it is the kind that weeps and even the fluid is malignant. In that moment, I felt something enter into me from the feet up to my head… a strength, a focused strength is about all I can call it. Your love, your strength, your Light was and continues to be felt in my soul. Thank you for holding my heart thru this leg of my journey.
This news kicked off what I call organized chaos. The hospital he was admitted to, known as the best hospital in the area, has this thing called “the doctor of the week” program. All the doctors change every week, if you come in at the end of week and spend 12 days there, you have literally 3 different versions of the same doctor, in my dads case, he had 9. Oncology, Neurology and what they consider like a GP or overall MD. Each had different idea’s about what to do with him. Order this test, do that treatment, There was a lot about to start happening…
Until the day after the news, suddenly all these tests, all the treatment plans started being taken off the table until the only thing left was a “light dose” of chemo, not designed to treat the cancer, but help reduce the fluid weeping out of his cancer. What the hell?
Communication was a non-existent thing. If I didn’t ask, they didn’t tell. And depending on which doc I asked came a very different answer and almost always conflicting with the previous doc. All I wanted to do was tuck my father under my arm and zoom him to the place I was treated, UNM Cancer Center. I have always felt blessed about my care and the absolute truth in communication from my cancer team, this journey raised that feeling to the 100th degree. But sadly, that was not a realistic option.
I had to pull every psychic resource I had at my dispose and started really listening to what the docs weren’t saying. My dad is at the end of this road, no more testing or treatment is going to do anything to help, his body cannot handle any more toxins going in.
I cannot tell you how relieved I was when yet another new doc showed up on the evening of the 7th and finally said it out loud…. he is at the end and further testing is not going to help because he is receiving all the treatment he can handle now.
I also realized there is absolute truth in the statement “worried sick.” I got a full-blown (and still have) upper chest cold on the 8th. But… I had one more fight on my hands to tackle. In the less than month that my father started getting admitted to the hospital, they drained out 22 cups of fluid from his lung and more was already building up in the week since his last drain, something has got to be done to deal with that. This moment was the first time that strength that had been running everything I asked, said and did, broke a little bit. When talking to one of his docs I begged them to not release him until he has something done to control the fluid build up (they had three options and all three were taken off the table.) The one I was advocating for was like a faucet they would put into his lung that we could tap every day at home. Having him admitted to the hospital every week seemed like a crazy thing to do when something else could be done to prevent it.
The other option, one doc saying the results of working was 6-10% in his favor was injecting an antibiotic into the space between his lung and lining and it kind of works like super glue (which is what we have been calling this treatment.)
They agreed to give him the faucet, he was scheduled for the procedure in the morning, by the time we came back in the morning, they changed their mind again. They opted for the super glue… that’s when I got sick. Grrrrrr.
So the next thing to do, get a hospice team in place, that one and only honest doc mentioned this in his honest news about my dads new reality. I had just talked to his wife that morning about it and she had told me that dad was against hospice because it meant he was going to die. My dad said the same thing when the doc mentioned it, so I took the elephant standing in the room and spoke for it. This is your end game, let’s make it as productive and comfortable as possible… for everyone!!
It even opened the door for me to really talk about the death process and when the moment he leaves his body and his consciousness hanging at the ceiling watching everyone cry. I told him, if I am present at that moment, make sure you talk to me and made sure he didn’t just hang around earth and eventually went into the light to go Home and I also assured him I had his phone number on the other side of the veil and can keep in communication with him.
I love those moments when spirit takes over and a door cracks open when the person not dealing… hears. Later in that evening, he told his wife he wanted to be buried with his cell phone in his casket, just in case he can call her. I loved that!!!
I woke up 2 days ago in between a dream and reality watching my dads soul attempt to take his energy out of his body. The soul energy itself was a dark brown, not a whole lot of light in there. It almost looked like someone pulling a tee-shirt off another, but it got stuck at the shoulders and I realized that my father is resisting the transition. He had said to us several times now, the state he is in now is all his karma coming back to him. There is a truth in that… and to be at the end of the road, looking back at what you did or didn’t do in life… well, I can understand the resistance.
When I got diagnosed with my stage 3c melanoma, the first thing I did was go into my bath and look at the entirety of my life and ask myself, did I leave a positive footprint in my life’s wake.
I think that is a question we should ask ourselves every day and brighten as much of life beyond ourselves as possible. What I found incredibly ironic with this dream experience, when I went downstairs, dad had his wife changing the light bulbs in the living room, because it was too dark in there.
That’s a start!!
I am going to close on that note and will update again. I will be here in PA until the 24th and then go to my son’s house. I will be doing readings from there and I cannot tell you how much I look forward to reconnecting with you in that way again. You are the fuel that sets my soul ablaze and I miss you like crazy. I cannot thank you enough for the donations that have come in, my first half of the months bills all got paid and left me 150% with my father and family. I love and appreciate you all so flipping much and miss you like mad!!
(((((HUGZ))))) of love and celebration to all,