Despite having some doubts about his commitment to democratic reform, the EU announced in Brussels tonight that Lord of the Cloven Hoof and Universal Master Beel Z’eebub’s dominion of Hell is to be fast-tracked for EU membership before 2016. Mr Z’eebub’s ongoing dispute with Nazarene renegade Jesus Christ was described by EC officials in Brussels this afternoon as “not a major issue, and one which we feel sure can be amicably settled”.
Meanwhile in an unconnected move, the UK’s London Gauleiter Mr Jobsworth Bonksome told reporters on his return from the Klingon High Council that he was “absolutely delighted” with the progress that had been made in agreeing a pan-Galactic trade deal with all 73,998 planets living under Klingon protection in the Gastronicus Nebula which – for those of you reading in black and white sound – is a bit to the right of the Andromeda constellation.
“I think I can safely say,” said Mr Bonksome carefully, “That I have brought back a piece of the action in our time for the British People – and that as a result of this trip I feel years younger and much richer”.
Gauleiter Bonksome’s usual accomplice the Right Honourable Chancellor Gimmesome Noze-Poudeir was otherwise engaged, having flown to Berchtesgarden in a valiant attempt to sell four million Reliant Robin derivatives to Empress Merkantile – in return for a promise not to sit on France. The Chancellor told reporters at a press conference afterwards that Britain should “stop seeing the Merkantilian Völkische Reich as a sweatshop run by fat sausage-eaters, and instead recognise the enormously austere progress made by the Üntermenschene Latinischer to the south, who have always been a bunch of greasy disorganised oiks who couldn’t organise a reunion in a Bierkeller anyway”.
Speaking in support of all these moves, British Prime Minister Davos Camshaft told MPs that “we should recognise at long last that licking any arse for money is not a dirty thing but merely an act of abject desperation, of which we as Britons should be proud”.