John Ward – Sport: Camerlot Cabinet Baffled By England’s Lack Of Soccer Mobility – 20 November 2013

huntrefgagDavid Cameron’s entire Cabinet was this morning left pondering why the England soccer team has less mobility than a paraplegic amoeba, following last night’s game at Wembley during which the team was quietly outclassed by a German side carrying Lidl shopping bags and wearing lead-coated Laderhosen in order to try and even things up a bit.

Health Secretary Mr Jeremy Compleat-Berkeley wondered whether the English players might have been traumatised by exposure to the New Labour NHS during their formative years. He noted among encouraging murmurs that the likes of Bobby Charlton, Nobby Stiles and his cousin by marriage Roger Hunt had emerged during the more confident Golden Age of Harold Macmillan. Michael Gove, the Secretary for Educating Rita, took up the reins of this point by suggesting that Margaret Thatcher’s Care in the Community scheme had enabled stars like David Beckham, Bamber Gasgoigne and Garry Vinegar to lead relatively normal lives and thus take England very close to the semis in previous decades. But Tory Chairman Grant Shapps laid the blame firmly at the door of Sven Goering Edison for not letting England players buy the software that would’ve changed their lives and made each and every one of them worth at least $200million like him.

Secretary of State for Libor Exchanges Michael Felon urged that the FA be privatised and sold to Mr Rupert Murdoch, but keen soccer aficionado Theresa ‘El Tel’ Maypoles pointed out that it already had been, and in fact all their phones had been hacked, albeit purely for research purposes. So it was left to guest member and former Roma manager Blondio Borisconi to point out that surely the best idea was to honour his intimate friend and soon to be vindicated Ms Becky Redtop by founding the Rebekah & Trevor Brooking East London Newscorp Academy of Soccer Skills, in memory of the enormous contribution made to grassroots English soccer by his all-poppycock-conquering hero Sir Rupert Murdoch.

There was a barely discernible twitch to the Prime Minister’s left cheek as Cabinet warmly adopted Mayor Mussolini’s wonderful proposal, but Chancellor George Stillborn put this down to a particularly ripe Vindaloo the night before.

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