…just answering machines.
A small screen-capture extract from the response of MPs to this morning’s Slog exclusive about vacancy fibs at the JobCentrePlus site:
(the full picture above zoomed click)
Comically pathetic and entirely predictable. The legislature of the Mother of Parliaments speaks:
‘This acknowledgement has been triggered automatically, thank you for contacting the office. I can confirm that your e-mail has been received by my computer because It is important to me to ensure that you receive a reply as soon as possible. Strict parliamentary protocol does not allow any MP to intervene on behalf of those living outside of their constituency, but I will try my best to respond although the high volume of correspondence I receive means that I have to prioritise. Please ensure that you have provided your full name, address and contact telephone number such that this automated response will help me to deal with your communication more effectively and you will receive a reply in due course. Without these details, it will not be possible to reply, and anyway the message that you sent could not be delivered. This is a permanent error.’
I want to become an MP now, so my response can be:
‘Thank you for your electronic message which, because it wasn’t in a brown envelope, has been shoved down to the bottom of the slush-pile. The email has been received my computer which, having tragically been born paraplegic, will not be able to intervene in any way at all. I will try my best to look as interested as I can by wittering on about protocol making it impossible for me to help beyond the borders of Lower Mendacium East (even though I’m supposed to be a national legislator – except in the case of brown envelopes concerning Syria) and by asking you to include for some reason to do with GCHQ your full name, address, occupation and dog breed even though you’ve already sent the bloody thing. The hope here, you see, is that in due course I can say you left something out, I’ve been very busy, my staff didn’t show it to me, and this is why the course never ran to the dueness thing at all, but none of that was my fault. We are of course, all of us, absolutely overwhelmed with work, but we are happy to take the munneeee anyway, especially since we just gave ourselves an 11% pay rise after a decade in which your real incomes declined by 30%. Trust me, your concerns matter to me, and your vote even more. Voting for me was a permanent error.’
I’m not remotely surprised by the automated wriggling, but I do (sincerely) apologise to all of those people being sold this crap ‘Plus’ service: I’m retired now so I’ve never had to use it, and thus didn’t have a clue how well-known all these Orwellian scams are to those who ever try and use it. Truth be told, I am depressed by how expected and familiar all this was for you folks.
Government in this country today consists not of solving Britain’s big issues, but rather of using them as political weapons. It is happening in education, it is happening in employment, it is happening in pensions, and it is happening above all in Health.
It’s one big holding operation. They will be holding one operation at Dorchester Hospital next week, weather permitting. But before that, the patient must wash his face, renounce any entitlement to anything previously promised by f**kwits, accept that his savings are part of the debt he foolishly ran up in the good times, and pay extra for anaesthetic in a bid to pay off the national debt and then all leave in the same boat.