Good evening. My name is Sir Crampton Budleigh-Salterton, and I am the Chairman of the English Cannibal Party.
I want to talk to you tonight, not about the cardboard cut-out misrepresentation of the ECP you will have seen on your television screens over the years, but rather of the Party I am proud to lead. A Party with a 468 year history of traditionalism that began as the Melanesian Cannibal & Headhunting Front. But we have come a very long way since then – 8921 miles to be precise – and the ECP I want you to vote for in 2015 is a lot more than a one-issue Party.
Now of course, the mainstream media love to present the English Cannibal Party as an organisation with no interests beyond eating people, but this is a laughable caricature of our many eclectic, original and exciting policies as a whole. Let me point out, for example, that since May 2010 we have eaten fewer people than we consumed in the entire period from 1961-2009.
Now as a statistic, that must surely speak for itself: which is more than the people we ate can do, because they’re dead. But it is important to point out that every human being eaten by ECP members must be completely dead before being devoured, and die with the maximal dignity available at the time. It is fully 27 years since the ECP ate its then leader Margarth Eatretch, thus disassociating itself from the disgusting and quite unpardonable act of eating people who are still alive. We are not and never shall be savages. Unfortunately, to read the media now, you would think this ghastly woman had died only yesterday.
Therefore – to bury this cleanly-picked skeleton once and for all – I would like to give you my cast-iron guarantee here and now that if you vote English Cannibal in 2015, we will not eat you. Watch my lips as I lick them, we will not eat you. Of course, if you don’t vote ECP, then I cannot give such an assurance; we are when all’s said and done a professional political Party, and the more people we eat who vote for the other traitors, the better our chances will be.
So my message to you tonight is this: vote English Cannibal and save this Island Race from a cannibal horror fest – you know it makes sense.
But as I said earlier, the modern, contemporary English Cannibal Party going forward is more inclusive than most voters realise. We do, for example, have a fully-fledged Vegetarian Wing of the ECP that takes an active part in our activities, as there is nothing we like better than eating vegetarians, who are of course very low in fat, especially the wing.
Now, there are some who would have you believe that I – and my trusted leader in exile Elfin Garage – are merely in turn a gently braised arm of the British Conservative Party: but for us in the ECP the clue is in the name. For we are English through and through, whereas the BCP are really the British Scum Party. They want a United Kingdom as part of a United Europe, but we are the ONE AND ONLY Westminster Party utterly committed to the restoration of English Sovereignty, and the succession of King Harold XXXIX.
Let us not beat about the bush, or indeed brush the giraffe under the carpet: there is an elephant in the room, and that elephant is called Scotland. The Welsh are merely sheep-shagging unfeasibly shortarsed people who can be easily contained by buying a few thousand pints of Dragon Lager and letting them win at Rugby every 30 years or so: but the Scots are completely misrepresented by the Brusssels-Whitehall-Paedophile-Masonic-Jewish axis of evil as people who represent a separate and free nation, whereas as all right-thinking blogosphere truth-seekers know only too well without any punctuation wahtsoever they in fact obviously and irrefutably represent that Solution to England’s Problem Which Dare Not Speak It’s Name.
Yes, the British Cannibal Party is the ONLY WESTMINSTER PARTY committed unequivocally and very vocally to the monocultural answer to Britain’s trade gap, food sustainability, welfare, heart attack, dental care, alcohol abuse and population problems: eat the Scots.
I wonder, how many of you have any idea how good a high-fat Glaswegian tastes? Not many, I would wager. But let me tell you: Beijing Crispy Jock is a delight which, once tasted, can never be forgotten.
And so ladies and gentleman, I implore you tonight to vote for the one Party south of Carlisle able to see through the mists of spin, and yet still see our English Problem for what it is: one of a balanced diet.
Thank you for paying attention. God bless King Arthur, and a very prosperous 2014 to you all.