Wow, talk about being in a communications black out from deep within!! I am now in my 5th consecutive day with no audible voice to speak with, but beyond having no speaking voice, the blackout is actually far deeper than that. Every-time I had sat to reply to an email or type out a blog, my body would go into it’s own tailspin of coughing and falling apart and I would just say screw it and move to the couch, and I would recover quickly. Sadly, it really took me until yesterday morning to fully notice this pattern. The insights that came thru on the 28th, A-flipping-mazing and all I wanted to do was share them all with you and I couldn’t. I couldn’t harness the first word yesterday. Of course, I had spent all but one hour hacking my lungs up again the night prior and my vital energy system was depleted, again. At least, until I moved away from the computer.
I have realized something so valuable this week, sometimes, you have to completely step away from what is happening to fully see the bigger picture unfolding.
On Sunday morning (the 26th) when I answered my phone to do my first connection of the day, I was shocked at myself when I attempted to say hello and my voice was missing. What the hell?? I had been fine for the past week and my coughing barely there. Where did my voice go again? Well hell, I felt good, lets see if we could see anywayz, she is just gonna have to listen closely to hear me.
My ability to see was clearer than ever, but my ability to voice what I was seeing, oh man, that was a struggle. I could actually see my own body having to pull air from deep within my lungs just to try to get my voice to work and of course, I coughed thru it all. BUT, we did it!! Screw the voice, I was on a mission to fulfill my connections. My 2nd lady of the day, same thing… I was pulling from deep within my lungs as I croaked and coughed out her incredible messages to her.
By this time, my throat was getting sore and rather irritated with me, but hey… who cares. I have a new man on my agenda next and I am soooo going to do him!! (smile) It was very different with him, my breath was no longer being pulled from deep within my lungs, instead, directly from the center of my heart, which was a really weird feeling, but one I will never forget, probably because he really was the cherry on the cake of understanding that was going to reveal itself over the next few days.
He was the last reading I did this week. My throat was too sore to speak any more and the inner avalanche started to happen and as usual as night feel, the avalanche went into overtime. It was such a hard night, that the one thing that remained stable within me thru this crazy ass month of January… my emotional field, fell apart. I sat on the verge of tears all night long. I hurt from coughing, I hurt from breathing, I am so tired of my bladder having absolutely no hold to it any longer… I am just freakin over this. Screw this is all for the higher good… I am depleted on every level and just freakin done. DONE!
Finally 8 am rolled around, the time the local clinic opened who had that magical peace pipe, the breathing treatment that I knew would restore my ability to breathe, I called and they took me straight in. By this time, even walking was a challenge. I was so dizzy, the kind of dizzy you get just before you pass out, only I never passed out, just stayed in that swirling dizziness before and after the breathing treatment. My doc confirmed that I had wheezes up and down my lungs again, the breathing treatment helped tremendously, she put me back on all the drugs I was on a week prior, sadly all the drugs in their little in-house pharmacy was depleted and I had to go an hour one way to get them filled. Thanx to Obamacare, I was just approved for one full year of full medical and prescription coverage, at least I didn’t have to worry about that, cuz I am so out of money it isn’t even funny. It is amazing how much better you can feel inside when you don’t have to stress getting medically cared for. On that note, I am just going to give Obama and all those who pushed for these changes, especially the state of New Mexico, a super huge ((((HUG)))) of deep inner and outer gratitude.
When I finally mustered the energy to go get my prescriptions filled, I was still very much in that emotionally raw place. I just want to cry. Not only does my physical body hurt in ways it never hurt before, whatever the hell I am going thru is now affecting more than me. I have no rent money, so my landlady is going to take a hit for this, i am down to my last 50 pounds of bird food, my birds are gonna take a hit too and I have no way of controlling what is happening within my body. Dammit!! I am having a hard time finding the joy and appreciation here.
As I embarked on the hour-long drive to get some drugs and bitching to my team consistently now, not even sure any longer this has anything to do with energy anything. Maybe, its cancer, maybe asthma, maybe COPD, maybe, I am just full of shit and that would suck even more. Not for myself, but that would mean everything I understood and shared outward, were delusions.
My team seen me spiraling down the fear hole and cracked open memories that were so long ago, I forgot how hard the beginning of this path was. In my 38 years of life (the age I was when I started this crazy, difficult journey into heavenly hell) I never even so much as had a cold. Several months after becoming proficient with meditation and doing the inner work that I didn’t even know I was doing… head colds, chest colds, there were times I was down for many weeks at a time, sick as a dog, ready to quit. How can something that is supposed to be so good, feel so freakin bad.
I obviously never quit. Once released from the purging in the body, I always felt clearer, stronger within my Self.
I was also reminded about a time when I was in 5th grade. I was living with this family that I hated and pretty much, they hated me too. I would cry myself to sleep begging for a way out and one day I awoke sick. School was my only escape and there was no way I was staying home from school. The bus stop was about a half mile down the road, we lived in the serious country. I had the hardest time breathing as I made my way to the bus stop. By the time I got to school, I couldn’t breathe at all. The nurse threatened to send me home, I begged to stay. She let me sleep in her office until school was done and then the people I was living with picked me up and took me to the hospital. I was admitted to the hospital for a whole week with asthma. That asthma gave me a whole week reprieve of being out of that house. I never had asthma before or after that week. In my early days of this journey, I did ask my team about that week of asthma and they helped me understand that it was their reply to my prayer. My relationship with that family was karmic and I had to play it out to the end (a 2 year journey) but they gave me the gift of being cared for in the hospital away from their toxic energy.
Funny really. Miracles have such amazing guises. Every prayer we send out is heard and given back to us. Rarely in the way we except and because of that, we often times feel like our prayers go unheard.
Later that day, as I was exchanging an email with a beautiful soul who of course, hit my reschedule zone already and was wondering if the appointment the next day may happening, I told her I would need a miracle to be able to do any readings at this point. I told her i would let her know in the morning if i have a voice to speak with.
It wasn’t even an hour after our communication did I feel something wrap itself around my whole body. Amazing energy, a feeling of vital energy flowing thru me that I can’t remember feeling in a long long while. It was 8 pm and I was ready to dance with this energy, when I really wanted sleep. I didn’t care tho, it felt good to remember how good it felt to feel good. (Like that riddle lol.)
By 9:30 sleep happened. The most amazing, restful sleep I think I ever had in this lifetime!!
When I woke up on Tuesday morning, I really felt refreshed, energized, very much held in the glove of spirit. Maybe I can read?? My son called me unusually early… nope. Still no voice. Knowing that on Sunday this spiral happened by forcing my voice, I was not about to start that all over again.
This is when I realized that being near the computer itself, not good for me at all. When I would move away from the computer, I felt incredible. Talk about your spiritually imposed time out sessions!! lol
While I was in the world the day before, I stopped at the store to get some fresh veggies with the intent of chicken soup for my soul to help me thru this very long moment in my time. So instead of replying to the emails or doing a sharing, I got out a big ole pot and filled it with water and plopped some chicken into it.
Who knew the stories of our lives can be so fully understood thru chicken soup. lol
I sat on the couch, chilling and just feeling good in my silence. Suddenly I became so aware of the chicken boiling on the stove, the aroma. It was amazing. Beyond amazing, it became expressive and a whole story started to fill my nostrils.
The moment the chicken was introduced to the water, the water was forever changed, as was the chicken itself. An entanglement that can never be undone. A new energy that never was before that moment, IS now.
Then, I added the bullion and three very particular spices (asked from the chicken and water) parsley, rubbed sage and marjoram. I sat on my couch again, the aroma wafting beneath my nose, forever changed. Very different in not only smell, but feeling, in energy.
I was suddenly prompted to add the next ingredient… onion. I also fully realized, I am not just making chicken soup, I am co-creating with it and understanding so much more than I bargained for. Same happened when I was prompted to add the celery.
Usually, when I make chicken soup, carrots and celery are my main veggies. Not this time. This chicken soup was actually alive and incharge of what it was being created to be and for.
Carrots, peas and corn added together at the same time. Each one representing the color spectrum of our energy system, sacral chakra, solar plexus and heart center. The three, in this new body, in this creation, are ONE system. The womb of creation, the soul of desire and the heart of expression.
I pondered what starch to add. Potatoes, egg noodles or rice?? My soup knew. Long grain brown rice… just a tad, enough to thicken the broth up. We can look at this as the energy that holds material life together.
Hours had passed by now, each aroma, tantalizing the juices in my stomach. I grabbed me a bowl of this living chicken soup and ate it!! Hmmmmm… something was missing. I could feel it missing in the mix. Suddenly, my beautiful friend, Jennifer’s voice came thru me and I mean THRU me. Just the day before, as I was out gathering my ingredients and drugs, she put a message on my facebook wall about Popeye’s spinach. I had already grabbed a bag of spinach to add to my chickie soup… and until I heard her voice, I forgot. I quickly got up, cut up the spinach and just let them wilt in the hot soup. OMG that was it!! The flavor burst… but so much more than that. Sweet. Complete. Holy God that was good.
As I savored each delectable bite, the chicken soup continued its sharing with me. WE all go thru this in our stages of life. There is not a person who we let into our lives that does not forever change us. Sometimes for the better, sometimes, well, sometimes we just have to toss out the soup and start all over again.
And I thought about the chicken itself. I love chicken, both the living bird as well as its meaty essence in my soup. It loves us that much too.
Every living thing on earth is where it choose to be for its full expression and exchange with this world. Yes, many chickens are in farms that are still learning love and honor, yet, many people tend to focus on the pain and hurt of those chickens (animals) and the reason why really hit home. We tend to feel outwardly about any given thing exactly how we feel inwardly about ourselves and our life experience to this moment.
Pain and suffering or love and joy.
The chicken, who’s last journey on this physical plane, that ended up in my water, got to release its full essence of loving joy thru this exchange. And i am forever changed because of it. I am expanded because of it.
But alas, like every great meal, there comes a time, even that delightfulness must run it’s course and go thru our digestive track, to make room for more, for new ingestion’s. (Do you remember my digestive track issues that happened on January 2nd?)
But also, that warm spiritual sweater dropped off my body almost 24 hours to the tee and I descended back into a night of full blown coughing and peeing and sleeplessness. But it didn’t matter, I understood now.
Let’s call this, tomorrows desert. I am going to close here and pick up on the bigger, incredibly exciting story of our Lives in the morning. Book mark the three readings in this sharing… two lungs and one heart. We will pick up from there and go beyond my wildest comprehension!!
I love you all soul much.
((((((HUGZ)))))) dripping with soul soup for everyone!!
Lisa Gawlas www.mysoulcenter.com.