John Ward – Tis The Season For Charts & Farts Parties – 13 December 2014

These would be gatherings wherein people like Mario Draghi, Ed Miliband, Patrick Moore and Ing Tung Chong would put charts up proving conclusively that deflationary policies could lead to unexpected inflation in the size of Saturn’s rings, as well as economic instability on Jupiter’s seventh moon Gigglestick.

Can you even begin to imagine the depraved behaviour that might follow such terrifying revelations as these? Actually, I can, but I mustn’t overdo it as the Vatican says I might go blind. So in the meantime, I’ll bring you up to speed with last night’s BBCNews weather forecast, which said that the uncertain weather conditions are certain to continue.

And what’s more, a genuine British Santa was fired yesterday after he told a 9-year-old that Santa “isn’t real”. Sophie Robinson went to visit her local Santa in the UK, and after a few seconds he appears to have asked her, “why do you believe all this shit?”. Sensitivity is what makes for a great Santa, that’s what I say.
More and more and more of it, every day, every hour. Winston Churchill once trained a budgie to eat salt from a spoon. John Lewis is about to sell bras for two year-olds. Angelina Jolie has got chicken pox.
But here’s something that hasn’t garnered many column inches: S&P have joined the IFS in saying categorically that George Osborne will have to raise taxes after the General Election in order to “make up the deficit shortfall”. If you made up a shortfall in the deficit, wouldn’t it just get worse? “The deficit is way too low,” said Teddy Testicles on The Noddy Show yesterday, “And if elected the Labour Party will immediately increase it”. That might strike you as mad, but on the other hand can you imagine anyone writing, in the early 1980s, ‘the low level of inflation in Europe is now giving cause for great concern among central bankers’? I mean, why was zero inflation good under Maggie, but bad under Draghi? Cue doggerel:
dogg1Stay tuned for next week’s gripping episode, and in the meantime – among all the dross of distraction – stay focused on the Osborne thing…because actually, it really matters.
Much as I remain fixated by the improbable nature of Kim Kardashian’s bum, I don’t see any UK Party seeking her candidacy for next May…..although I’m sure if he thought there was a chance of that, Faisal Naraj would jump at it. The Telegraph goes for UKip’s jugular this morning with the less than startling news that Garage once ‘begged’ Powell to support his Party. What really intrigues me is that Enoch kept saying no.
But it is nevertheless a non-story compared to…ripple dissolve….the growing number of Establishment institutions politely suggesting that the Draper is talking a lot of old cock. Osborne is playing smoke and mirrors with both the economic and deficit numbers – while evading any use of the National Debt words at all. I suspect that external events between now and May will confuse thing still further; and I fully expect the Cameroids to try and capitalise on that. But it could rebound either way in what is looking increasingly like the most multidimensional General Election in British history.
Anyway, stand by in the coming weeks for lots of stories about cats in trees, dogs that can play the banjo, more infighting in the X-Factor Club, and how Jimmy Young once indecently assaulted a listener with his hamster.

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