John Ward – Succesor To QE: Yes, It’s “Roger Roger” For Mario’s New Stimulation Plan – 19 January 2015

cinzano fellatioMario Draghi shocked the financial world late this afternoon by unveiling his biggest surprise since becoming Top Tapman at the European Central Bank.

“Dere izza no point anya more to diss QE,” he told startled passers by on a chilly day in Frankfurt, “we need somethina mollto vivaca anna brio, and thees I am callin’ EP”. Even seasoned financial journalists were shocked to discover that EP stands for Engorged Penis.

Mr Android Evan-Elpus – tastefully seasoned with Fleur de Sel and just a hint of Rosemary – told friends later that “It was pretty obvious what the effect of EP was going to be, because Mario was in urgent need of more fully tailored trousers”. At the official press conference early this evening, Signor Draghi expanded on his careful erection of a new eurozone-wide bazooka-style liquidity spurt:

“Lerra me tellayooo,” he began, “Dose Swees cheeses, dey knowa naarthing. I tella dem, ged ouda da way anna shaduppayo face. Thees ees the power of EP.” Then he looked up towards the sky, and to the astonishment of those present, a booming voice bellowed down upon the multitude:

“Lissenap, deesa iss my son inna who I’ma well please he mucho very very good boy, I yam so proud”.

The ECB boss then hinted that, after the initial phase of EP, there would be a follow-up dose of DE or double entendre.

“I a gonna say to dat Weidmann screamer,” he continued, “You godda letta me in yorra back door baby. Anna den I tella de Greek feelth I gonna blocka their passage unaless dey vairee gooda boyz anna guls”.

Knocking over the podium as he left the stage with a glint in his eye, a song in his heart and a bulge in his groin, the Italian Stallion left his audience, as always, begging for more.

And in other news, French Premier Francois Hollande let slip this morning that his economics ministry would be commencing a new bout of chicken rib reading, toenail of Ostrich clipping, and foreskin of stag beetle stimulation this coming Thursday. His economics adviser Doctor Pristine Blaggard said she was “confident that these carefully considered measures would pass any stress test if a modicum of valium were to be applied”.

Yesterday at The Slog: Is there someone who knows what to do in the house?

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