Well, these last two days I took a nose dive, a heart dive into the depths of duality. The other side of love that just hurts so much, not because something was done to you, or really has any affect on your own quality of life, but simply because you love and love with all your heart. I sat in my hurt last night and cherished the feeling, of loving someone so much you empathize with knowing their life is falling apart and all you can do is witness it and love them thru it all.
My youngest daughter (24) has made a consistent series of bad choices pretty much since her senior year in high school and started to develop a rap sheet a mile long now, not once did it deter her from making the same choices, doing the same exact thing that she was arrested or ticketed for in the past. Of course, when I look back on my own life, pre-bathtub era, (smile,) I have had my own similar patterns. I never did anything illegal, just self destructive.
My daughter is currently in jail, being held without bond, as she awaits a separate hearing for a similar charge next month, while being on parole for a conviction of similar charge (all stealing, all felonies.) Dare I mention the pill addiction, the drug addiction she is also going thru. The rehab facility that is akin to a legal drug dealer, for $13 a day, she gets s steady dose of methadone and thru it, I have watched her go deeper into her addiction… helpless because now its justified and called “medicine.”. The crazy society we live in, god forbid anyone should feel their own pain from their own choices, best we medicate it all. Much to my absolute surprise, she is continuing with the methadone treatments in jail. Holy shit even!!
So now I have a 24 year old, amazing child looking at real prison time and it breaks my heart. Death is not always a loss of physical life and I have been in the grieving process because her life will never be the same and so much harder than it ever had to be.
I took a long ride to the grocery store yesterday, just to get out of my house and out of my head, popped on the audio book “The Afterlife of Billy Fingers” just wanting to ride with someone who lived (and died) a similar path, and to try and understand, looking for direction of what to do, how can I help all the while praying for the light of knowing.
I have told my daughter so many times, she has the worse karma in the whole world, she is always getting caught doing something. Granted, she does get her fathers genetics of an incredibly pessimistic attitude with life and lives it out loud. But I realized yesterday, as I begged her soul for understanding and direction… there is so much more to her consequences than just bad karma.
When we stray off of our life path, our soul will make sure brick walls are placed in our way to redirect. Thru the brick wall comes bigger challenges to choose again. Equally, it will align earth angels to help us over that hump, which she has had and I am so grateful for. But her choices and actions never really changed at all. Sometimes, the angels become inadvertently, enablers, thinking they are helping when really its allowing more of the destructive choices, myself included.
As I was driving back home, my daughters soul voice came thru loud and clear for a brief moment. I heard “we had to get her off the street.”
I have seen it written so many times that everything is perfect, as it should be, we are experiencing what we came here to experience and I have always called that a crock of shit, simply by understanding my own (destructive) path to here and knowing I never should have made some of the choices I did, same applies to my daughter. The safest thing her soul, her guides could do for her was to take her completely out of the life she was living as a way of saving her life and taking a longer, harder look at her choices. Of course, the next thing is going to be getting her to be responsible for her choices, her actions, instead of saying it was someone elses fault.
The other side of this coin is dealing with an adult child. No one will talk to me because she is over 18. I don’t know the truth, the story behind the story. What she is being charged with conflicts with what she is saying happened. Nor can I find out the process for her, from here. She does have a life outside of jail, car payment, critters, stuff… makes a mama nuts when they say, “but we cannot discuss this with you.” Grrrrrr!! I am feeling like mushroom here!!
Of course, I want to do something to help my daughter in some way. Her roommate said her car note is due… well shit, its more than I have available, but I figured maybe a partial payment will keep it from the repo man until we know what her future looks like. Of course they (her finance co.) could not talk to me about anything and told me to have her call them… ummmm… she can’t, she’s in jail!! Doesn’t matter. So I use the scenario conversation… what if… he’s willing to take my money but not tell me if that is enough to keep the repo man away. I told him I will call back when I decide. Seems the freakin universe decided for me.
My daughters whole world revolves around money, period. Making money, spending money. On my drive home as I was hearing bits and pieces of her soul communication I clearly heard send her love, lots of love but not money. By the time I got home, the universe made sure I did not help her financially cuz I had two refund requests which put my money in a deficit. When the universe wants something in a certain way, they make sure it happens that way. Cuz I know me, I would have done it anywayz, but now, I cannot!!
So I thought to myself, I will get her the book “the secret” she has nothing but time now and if she gets bored enough, maybe she will read it. Me and her brother have been trying to conspire for her to see the DVD, but also “get it” too. Well, books are not allowed to be sent to jail. Methadone, yes, books, no!! Talk about getting an inside look into a black hole that just gets blacker!!
Kinda funny, the day before this all happened I was doing my dishes and seen one of the morning doves jumping up and down on the ground outside. I assumed this bird was doing the wild thing, it is mating season. I went to my back door to peek in, and my heart broke into a million peices. This morning dove was standing on a dead morning dove, I swear trying to give it a birds version of CPR. Bouncing up and down as the feathers flew in the wind. When the dove seen me looking, he picked up his dead partner by the talons and flew off with it… and I could feel its sadness, its pain, its loss. Little did I know it was an omen for things to come in my world. Yet, yesterday as I breached the end of my driveway, a massive yellow and black butterfly (not a monarch tho) emerged in front of my drivers side window and flew to the left side of my car.
Death and rebirth… may my daughter find the wings to fly anew! I love her so damn much its all I can feel and I am grateful.
Thank you for enduring my venting process, it does help a lot. Time to get back on the phone and make more calls. I love you all so much and am so grateful to have you in my world, in my heart!!
((((HUGZ))))) of hope and light to all that may be enduring the darker side of love and the strength to stay focused on the love light itself!! ❤